I remember the moment clearly. A moment that felt huge and life changing; a moment that created a turning point in the path of my life.
It was Friday March 2, 2019. I was sitting against the wall in the girls’ section of the masjid, watching all the females from young to old sitting on the green carpeted floor in rows, hijabs on. For some reason, the feeling hit me differently that day. I thought, wow they’re all so beautiful in their hijabs. There were black women with their bright African clothing contrasting their dark skin which I always thought was so beautiful. There were desis with their shalwar kameez and dupattas. People with abayas. Arabs. Afghanis. Everyone looked so different, but those features stood out to me. They were so pretty to me even while they wore a hijab.
At that time I was one of the girls who only wore it to the masjid. The second I left, I would throw it off thinking that wasn’t me. Taking it off was like ripping away my connection from the masjid and the Muslim community now that I think about it. I’d thought of it wearing it before multiple times because I knew that at some point I had to, but always delayed it. When I’m older, I told myself. Maybe when I start college. Or when I get married.
That day however, as I watched those women in the masjid, I suddenly realized I felt so comfortable there. I felt at home in the masjid. Wearing a hijab there felt like it was part of my own skin. I felt a part of something. Of a Muslim community. I felt this sudden urge to wear the hijab. The pressure was so hard I remember feeling so anxious my hands grew clammy and my face heated up. I couldn’t concentrate on the khutbah. I think I was scared I would lose that strong urge to wear it. I was proud of being Muslim. Wearing a hijab would mean so much if I started it. When we left after jummah, I didn’t take it off until we reached home.
I told my sister I wanted to start, and she cheered me on. If I hadn’t expressed myself to her, and she hadn’t chanted, “Do it, do it!” I don’t know if I would have. I needed that final push which she gave me and I will forever be grateful.
Choosing to put it on and cover my hair was the first challenge. First step completed; I was relieved. I really did it. Then I had to face that fear as I stepped out into public. Again, I will forever be grateful for the people in my life. All my non-muslim friends, taken aback at first, completely supported me. I would have been terrified to show up to school the following Monday if I didn’t have them.
I was really self-conscious at first. It felt like one of those movies which follow the paranoid character while everyone stares at them. I noticed those first looks which did make me panic, but thankfully no one said anything. People were only surprised.
Eventually I got used to it. It felt like I’d worn a hijab my entire life. It was part of my own skin. I thought, now that I’ve chosen to wear it, I’m done. It wasn’t like when I didn’t wear it and had to worry about when I was going to start. But I was wrong.
I’ve seen girls who used to wear a hijab and then took it off. I didn’t think I’d ever be like them because I’ve always hated falling from a step I’ve already climbed. It makes me feel degraded as a person.
But there was a point in my life where my insecurities hit me hard. I hated my body. My skin started breaking out a lot, causing me to freak out. My hair was the only thing I thought was attractive about me. I thought it was pretty. I knew other people thought it was pretty. Wearing a hijab changed my face shape a bit, plus my face isn’t “slim” or whatever, so I thought I looked better without it. There were days where I wanted to look pretty, especially after seeing other gorgeous girls on social media. I wanted to be like them. I saw girls on tik tok or Instagram wearing their hijabs loosely. Those girls were gorgeous to me, and a lot of other people thought so too. There was a time where I started trying the loose hijab styles at home, trying to see what would work on me. There was once where I looked at the mirror and thought, if I started wearing it like this, what if one day it leads me to taking it off completely? Or dressing immodestly, despite “covering” my hair? What was I thinking? So I never changed it thankfully, but I still was very insecure, still testing different things out at home based on what I saw online.
And then after talking to friends and seeing a few posts from other hijabis on Instagram, I realized that one, I wasn’t alone. Other girls felt the same way. Girls I thought were gorgeous had the same exact insecure thoughts as me. Seriously, that had me so shook I cried. They reminded me that wearing my hijab properly was the right thing. I was reminded that I’m not living to prove myself to the world or impress other people. Whoever wants to like me for me can like me for me. Some people might find me ugly, while others won’t. It doesn’t matter, because my choices should make Allah proud and please Him.
I’m so glad I wore the hijab, and that I’m still properly wearing it today. I know it’s really hard. I know it’s not easy for insecurities to go away. It’s not easy to stop worrying about people. It takes time. Even now I have my ups and downs. You just have to find the best version of who you want to be, remember who that is, and follow it. Write it down if that will help. Just remember who you’re living for.
